I Give Up

"It's about our pride. He asks if we'll give up that thing we're so proud of, that thing we believe causes us to matter in the eyes of the world, and give it up to follow Him. He's asking us, 'Will you take what you think defines you, leave it behind and let Me define who you are instead?'-Bob Goff, Love Does

I read that quote from Bob Goff two days ago and the more I think about it the more I've come to believe that this is what happened in my life 6 years ago. Only in my case, God didn't so much as ask if I'd give something up as He ripped it out of the death grip that I had on it.

Let me explain. 6 years ago I was the Pastor of a small church in Portland, OR and I loved it. I tried to chronicle that journey here. It was the most difficult job I have ever had and the best job I've ever had. Every month was a financial struggle to survive, both for our family and for the church, but I loved it. Or at least I thought I did. What I've come to realize is that maybe what I really loved was the idea of being a pastor because in the 6 years since that church closed I've struggled and I'm realizing that a big part of that struggle is that I believed that what caused me to matter in the eyes of the world (my world, people who knew me) was the fact that I was a pastor. That was what defined me, at least in my mind. And for these past 6 years, without that to define who I am, I've felt lost, confused and worthless. I am having to learn what it means to let Jesus define who I am apart from what I do for Him.

About two years ago I was introduced to Skye Jethani. I first heard Skye co-hosting "The Phil Vischer Podcast", now rebranded "The Holy Post." One of the things that Skye does is write a daily devotional, "With God Daily". This week he has been writing about the idol of Missionalism and his words yesterday really hit home.

I’ve already quoted Tim Keller a number of times in this series on idolatry, but it’s worth repeating his very helpful definition. He said, “An idol us usually a very good thing that we make into an ultimate thing.” That certainly applies to the church’s favorite idol—the mission of God. The goodness of God’s mission in the world is beyond argument. The reconciliation of all things to him through the cross is a beautiful and inspiring message, and that he invites us to participate in this work is stunning. The mission of God is a very, very good thing.

But it is not the ultimate thing.

It too can be twisted into an idol that we value more than God himself. Sadly, in our efforts to elevate the goodness and importance of God’s mission we can unknowingly turn it into a false god that comes to define our lives and value. It’s especially tempting to those within Christian communities who long for significance. The best way to be affirmed in many churches is to devote yourself to Christ’s mission. After all, accomplishing great things forGod is much easier to see and celebrate than developing a deep life withhim.

Gordon MacDonald coined a term for this temptation and the idol it creates. He calls it “missionalism.” It is “the belief that the worth of one’s life is determined by the achievement of a grand objective.” He continues:

“Missionalism starts slowly and gains a foothold in the leader's attitude. Before long the mission controls almost everything: time, relationships, health, spiritual depth, ethics, and convictions. In advanced stages, missionalism means doing whatever it takes to solve the problem. In its worst iteration, the end always justifies the means. The family goes; health is sacrificed; integrity is jeopardized; God-connection is limited.”

Ultimately, missionalism is rooted in the lie that your worth is proportional to your impact. It’s a lie that the church often celebrates, but our Lord never does.

Take 3

Apparently, writing for this blog is a bi-annual event. It started four years ago with this post about how I needed to start writing again. Two years later I wrote about being stuck and needing to take the next right step here.  Now it has been over two years and almost everything I wrote about two years ago is still very true. I still feel stuck, I'm still not sure what the next right step is, I still struggle with negative emotions related to how my career in ministry seems to have ended and I'm still overweight.

I guess it's not totally true to say I'm not sure what the next right step is, I don't know what the next big step is. That big step would be finally figuring out what the next act of my professional life will be (more on that later), but I do know a number of little steps that God has been prompting me to take and beginning to write again is one of them. I knew that 4 years ago-didn't follow through. I knew that 2 years ago-didn't follow through. I know that today and I sincerely hope that it's not another 2 years before I come back here and write again, this has to become a daily discipline for me.  It doesn't have to be long, doesn't have to be profound, it just has to be consistent, daily.

Here at the beginning, it's probably just going to be for me, I don't really plan on promoting or publicizing this, but we will see where it goes,

Take the Next Right Step

"Take the Next Right Step", I first heard that statement years ago when I was reading about some of the ministry going on at Granger Community Church in Granger, Indiana. It was something they encouraged everyone at their church to do, find the next right step that God is calling you to take and follow Him in taking that step. During my 6 years as Pastor at Lifegate I can't tell you how many times I encouraged our congregation to do just that. The problem is for the last 3 years, since my last ministry position ended, I haven't known what that step is for me.

Maybe that's not true, there have been a number of smaller steps that I know God's been calling me to take and I've been working on taking them, but I've been looking for that next BIG step, the next calling on my life, the next place of ministry, the next thing that God has given me a passion for. And while I've been waiting for that, it seems like life has been passing me by. I've spent way to many days and nights feeling sorry for my self, feeling depressed, feeling angry, wondering where I messed up that led us to this point, asking myself if I made the wrong decision when we decided to leave California or when we turned down a potential position in Seattle to come to Yakima. I've spent three years consumed by what ifs & working through a boatload of negative emotions about all the events that brought our family to this point. But that has to end today.

Today was an interesting confluence of events that are leading me to that next right step.
Event #1-Last week I signed up for #fitbyfirst a 30-day fitness challenge led by Carlos Whittaker. I know I've been putting on weight since we left California & I've tried, at times, to get it under control, but it always seems to come back. These last three years have been especially rough, because I've come to realize that one way I numb my negative feelings is by eating-so I've been doing that a lot these last few years. So for me, part of the next right step is starting to lose some of this weight.

Event #2-This morning at our church, Restoration, Pastor Kevin started a new sermon series, Redeeming Ruth. One thing he said stuck with me. He said "When life hits you hardest, the road to redemption starts with returning to God." It feels like life's been hitting us pretty hard for the last few years, and although I've never turned away from God, I haven't been pursuing Him or what He has called me to do with the passion and love I should. So for me that road has to start today, I need to pursue God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength, follow Him everyday and see where He leads me.

So, to close all this-I have an assignment from Carlos for #fitbyfirst. Why & When
First, why am I starting this 30 day challenge? For myself & for my family. I want to be around for my family for a long time and need to be in good shape so that can happen and as I get older I want to continue to be active and enjoy my life. I've spent way to much time sitting around and letting life pass me by-I need to jump back in.
Second, When, when did I stop caring about my health? Good question, I don't know that I ever started. I'd always had high metabolism and been fairly active, so I never really had to worry about being in shape until I left youth ministry. When I became a Senior Pastor my life became much more sedentary, but my eating habits never changed, that was also around the time I turned 40. My life and body began to change and I didn't make the changes I needed to to counter that. So that's why I'm trying to start today.

Step by Step

I haven't blogged since the church I pastored in Portland, Lifegate, closed.  I wrote the last for post for our church blog, closed that chapter of my life & have resisted the urge to start a new blog for over 2 years.  I've thought about it many times, as evidenced by the 5 blogger pages I've registered.  Starts and stops, thoughts and dreams, but no follow through, nothing stuck.  Bottom line, I think I've been searching for a reason, why should I, what good would it do, what's the point?

The question I had been asking is what do I have to offer-why would someone want to read this? Then today I saw this video of Seth Godin talking about the importance of writing.

Seth's thoughts reminded me of why I started writing/journaling years ago.  Writing my thoughts helps me to grow & learn-so this time rather than worrying about who I'm writing for, I'm just going to start writing & see where this goes.

So feel free to join me on this journey, you may learn something along the way or not, but I know that this is something that I need to do.